Why do people fall out of love? In this article, I’ll break down the top 3 biggest reasons why couples fall out of love.
Have you found that your once healthy relationship now feels boring and bland? Does it feel like you have more bad days together than good? It’s very possible that you two have fallen out of love. Yes, it’s possible – and no, it’s not always permanent.
A relationship is only hopeless when both partners believe that it is. There are simple strategies you can use to keep the love alive. With a commitment and consistency, you have the chance to bounce back.
#1: Misguided priorities.
One of the most common problems in a relationship is not making the important thing… the important thing. “But my partner IS important to me,” you may be thinking. Sure, I believe you. If your spouse doesn’t, it’s likely that your actions don’t agree!
It can be difficult to change priorities when what we’re doing is already important. How do you justify devoting less time thinking about work when you’re helping to provide a roof over her head? How can you stop working so much if that’s how you provide the comfortable lifestyle your spouse is accustomed to? Isn’t that love?
You could be giving too big of a meaning to the priorities you’ve chosen. A person who obsesses over work believes that doing the work is, on its own, a form of love. They believe it looks like love when they slave for hours to keep their partner’s life secure and comfortable.
Unfortunately, the other person doesn’t see it that way. They know on an intellectual level that you care about them, but they crave a different kind of emotional connection from you. Working long hours is not their love language – it’s just how you think you’re loving them.
What to do about it: Do the brave thing and talk. Ask your partner how you can love them better… in a way they will see it.
#2: You haven’t truly forgiven them.
Somewhere throughout your time together, an event(s) happened between you two that profoundly changed how you see them on a subconscious level. Traces of what you felt now linger on you like a stain.
I say on a subconscious level, because even though you’re clearly feeling resentment toward them, you’re not always able to give a clear answer on exactly why or how things have changed.
It’s something you’re hiding from yourself and stuffing away in a dark box somewhere in your mind because, naturally, facing it is painful.
They think YOU are what has changed, not the state of the relationship from something they’ve done.
What to do: Forgive! It seems like the obvious answer, but it also seems too difficult for many of us. Here’s why you NEED to forgive, and how…
Resentment only becomes more and more difficult to release over time as it continues to fester in the back of your mind. The longer you hold on to it, the more you will notice the little things that you’ll use to further prove that they don’t love you or don’t respect you.
When your partner begins to irritate you with everything that they do, that’s a HUGE red flag that the relationship is in troubled waters. Over time, they will feel like they can’t do anything right in your eyes. This will leave them feeling inadequate and just as rejected as you.
To forgive them, seek silence for meditation. Remember all of the times that your partner made you feel adored, and meditate on it. FEEL it. Then, seek recent proof throughout the week of things they’ve continued to do to show you they care.
Create a daily habit of finding more to be grateful for, rather than finding more to be irritated by.
Next, because you’re in a happier, calmer state, you need to talk. Connect with your partner and tell them what’s been on your mind.
It’s important that you take responsibility for the part that you played FIRST. Even if you can’t be at fault for causing the pain in the first place, you can confess that you’re guilty of holding on to this resentment. They will appreciate your honesty and strength. This will make it that much easier for them to take responsibility for their part and apologize.
#3: Unfulfilled expectations
Think back in a time in your life when you had a fairly definitive idea of what a husband or wife’s role in a marriage was meant to be. Most of us have a concrete perception of the way the world works at a pretty early age.
What did the movies promise you a partner would be? What love did you see from between other people? Were you inherently born expecting your love to be something?
Now, think of some times when they went totally against everything that you’d expect from your partner. They did the absolute opposite of what your idea of what you think a ‘good spouse’ would do.
You’ve started to accept that this person doesn’t seem able to give you the kind of love you always wanted and needed from a partner. Or can they?
Couples fall out of love when they enter a relationship with expectations, but then they’re not met. It goes deeper than that.
They begin the relationship with an idea of who that person is, individually. The rug gets pulled out from underneath them when they discover that part of what they “knew” about the other person actually just turns out to be at least just partly who they were trying to be to ‘get the girl/guy’.
Now that they don’t “have to” try anymore, they act differently. This is why we hear partners complaining that the other ‘changed’. It’s not necessarily that they changed – it’s that their true colors are shining through now, and they aren’t working to rekindle the love that they helped to create in the beginning.
We enter each relationship with an expectation of how the relationship itself should be.
Your partner will treat you a certain way. They will make a certain amount of time for you. They will act like you and your feelings matter.
When we can’t attain the ‘blueprint’ we have in our minds of how that relationship should tick, our world gets turned upside down. The relationship, and our life, becomes uncertain.
You keep looking to get a certain experience from them, and with every moment that they don’t give it to you, the resentment just grows.
With this understanding, now you need to get clear on how they continue not to show you love, and what they could do differently. Then you need to do the brave thing: talk. That’s always the answer in the end, isn’t it?
What to do: You need to explain that, if they love you and care about your long-term happiness, they could show love to you by doing X and not doing so much of Y.
You don’t want this to feel one-sided. Let them know you have their best interest at heart, and you have to turn this back on them. “What could I do to make you feel more loved in this relationship too?”
Any good partner wants the other to feel loved by them. If you find that you need more than they can provide, then you may need to seek other (healthy) forms of love elsewhere. Join a Meetup group, and go make some friends.
Seek counseling if they continue refusing to love you the way you need it. It’s possible they may be resenting YOU for something, too. Being a mediocre partner may be their subconscious way of punishing you. If they don’t put in the work, divorce may be a more serious option than you previously considered. If this is where you are now, watch this video to learn whether divorce is right for you.
|Have you ever fallen out of love and recovered from it? What tips do you have that you too could share with the readers? Comment below!|
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